"Turns out not only am a good shot with an elastic band but I also have found an effective way to break up fighting children without getting up off the couch" or updates from the front lines of Facebook

I was catching up on posts from this fine parenting blog yesterday when I read mmtread's challenge to share a cute story about something my kids have said or done.  I share often the antics of the kids on Facebook (often enough that some of my 'friends' think that my children's birth certificates actually say 'girl child' and 'boy child') and I'm sometimes told that my stories are 'cute' or 'funny'.  Or completely ridiculous.  Something like that.  

So I'm going to one up mmtread's post and share all my children's stories over the past year and a half.  And when I say 'all', I mean way too much of what I wrote on Facebook, which represents just a little bit of the crazy cute, but still took me over an hour sorting through my old statuses before my copy and paste finger froze up.  I think I may have missed a bunch.  And I'm not correcting the spelling.  I also pulled out some pictures, which may or may not have appeared in this space before. 

You have been warned.

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Conversation in the backseat tonight coming home from rec skate:
  

girl child: Want to help me resurrect a dead bug?
boy child: How do we do that?
girl child: We find another dead bug and we take the brain out of it and put it in the first dead bug.
boy child: But will it be evil?
girl child: I hope so.

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This is girl child, standing on a stool in the kitchen, mixing up a batch of pumpkin cranberry cookies.
'Fuck!' she says when she breaks the eggshell into the bowl.
 

And with that, I conclude my mother/daughter teachings on the domestic arts since she now knows everything I have offer.

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Boy child is being invited out to play with his friends when I remind him to clean up his toys before he goes out. Boy child says to his friend, 'Hold on, I gotta take care of my own shit first.'

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I asked girl child if she wants to go to school next year. She replied, "Only if it's Hogwarts." 

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Boy child: "Goodnight, mommy, I love you. Also, you don't own me and can't control my life."
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Girl child shares a joke with me: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other cannibal, 'This tastes funny.'

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Girl child: 'Mom, I want to be a really good actress and one day go all the way to Calgary to be a in a movie!'

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Boy child straight out asked to be fed no junk food for a month so his belly can recover from Halloween. He says he wants to be in fighting shape to be able to handle the Christmas goodies. 
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Girl child: Where's dad?
Me: He started school today.
Girl child: Where's the truck?
Me: Dad took it to school.
Girl child: For show and tell? 

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This morning girl child gives my belly a brisk little pat and says, 'You're doing pretty good, with the, you know, weight thing.' 

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I can tell whenever boy child passes girl child in mario kart. He says, 'hey, sexy lady!' And then nails her with a shell.

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Girl child believes she is going to have seven babies. Their subsequent provisions and care has not yet accounted for. Her only plan so far is to maybe put up a tent in the backyard.

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Boy child being tucked into bed by daddy on Christmas night at Grandma's house says, "I really really love mommy and that guy downstairs." [Referring to my cousin who he had met for the first time that day.]

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Help, help, I'm trapped as a nine inch high action figure of Ironman, engaged in an endless battle against a boy child controlled lego hero who just stole my shark gun and will no longer accept my gangnam style power dance as a legitmate attack. 

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Girl child: 'This hot chocolate is so delicious it makes me move like Jagger.' 
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I had actually had to say to boy child today, "No, no, honey, we don't hit people with our face." 

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Driving today with the childs where girl child noted that all the big jobs - president, principal, climbing instructor - tend to be taken by men. Then she pointed out, in so many words, that the higher you go up a hierarchy, the more men there tends to be. So I launch into my historial unbalance of power between the sexes and sixty years ago there were only a handful of professions available to women blah blah blah and now she is very lucky because Women Can Be Anything They Want To Be.

Girl child: "No, women can't. They can't be boy scouts."

Boy child: "Yah, and they can't be trucks or stop signs either."

And one more paradigm twinkles away in the cold light of logic.

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Watching star wars clone wars, the jedi knights in particular, has improved boy child's manners! He now says, 'But thank you for your generous offer,' after he refuses to do what I've asked him to do.

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 Boy child: "Mama, you got a really, really giant coffee today. It's going to be a GREAT morning!"  

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Out having lunch with boy child: "I don't want to go to the Good Earth [Cafe]! I want to go to the bad earth so I can have french fries!" 

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Watched girl child's competative side reveal itself today on the climbing wall as her lips curled into a self satisfied smile when the poor kid climbing next to her fell off the wall while trying to keep up to girl child. I later asked girl child what she was thinking and she replied that she needed the other girl to understand that she was bettter than her at wall climbing and probably everything else too.

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Girl child: "Sorry if I kind of punched you in the face a little bit but I'm sorta a legend of awesomeness."

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Boy child: 'I love you so much, mommy, I just want to eat you up. But I can't, you're too icky.'
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Teaching the childs to sing:

I read two books in the morning
I read two books at night
I read two books in the afternoon
and it makes me feel alright

Read two books in time of peace
and two in time of war
I read two books before I read two books
and then I read two more

[Now the song most requested by boy child at bedtime]

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Very patiently waiting for buddy to drop off his passengers at the front door of a shop today while signaling to go into the parking space he was blocking, dude then proceeds to make an extra effort to back up several meters in order to pull into the spot I was VERY PATIENTLY signaling for the last several minutes while his huge ugly van was in the way. And just as asshole pulls into the spot, he turns to me and gives me this profoundly smug look.

I may have vocalized what I thought about this series of events because boy child, in the back seat, suddenly pipes up with, 'Goosfraba, mama. Say, goooooosfraba.'

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Girl child: 'Mom, you need a costume.'
Small visiting child: 'Get the duct tape!'

We like this one.

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Boy child: "Mom, when you get old I'm going to look after you and then I get to use the handicap space at the mall."

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Just demonstrated the difference between the running man and the flying man for the children. Shoot me.
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Boy child: Behold this icicle’s intricate crystalline structure, whose delicate formation contains tantalizing clues as to the universe’s greatest mysteries about matter and existence and may, in fact, be able to reveal the answer to humanities most primal question – who are we and where did we come from? I kick it.

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Girl child: 'Mom, what would you do if I had to go to the principal's office because I punched somebody in the head?'

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I left my kids unsupervised in the backyard with the neighbor children and weapons. They can never say I didn't give them all the elements they need to develop character and resiliency.
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Girl child: 'I'm a pirate and I eat barnacles and ham and I'm here to arrgh things up!'

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Boy child helped me clean out the clumping cat litter and then went and pat the kitties on the head, congratulating them on their 'very good big poops!'

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Girl child cracked her first egg today. She banged it against the pan 8 times, ripped it into a dozen pieces, the yolk slithered underneath into the element and she tossed the egg shell into the pan. She obviously gets her cooking skills from her mama.

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The more kids I have playing outside in the backyard, the louder I have to turn up my rock and roll to block out the noise.

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We are exiting the Calgary Zoo when a wind storm blows in. While waiting for traffic to clear, girl child sticks her head out of the car window and yells into the wind, 'Hello world, I'm your wild child!'

All I could think is, I've been warned.

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In Baby Jackass episode #48, Boy Child and Neighbor Kid are caught throwing dirt clods at passing cars.

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Boy child telling on girl child:
'I hit her and then I hit her back.'

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Girl Child: 'When I grow up, my boyfriend is going to be a juvenile delinquent.'

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Just bought Girl Child a pair of jeggings. I feel icky.

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Nanny McPhee, I need you!

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To Do:
Bend Boy Child to my will.
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Aqua sand is the devil.

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The kids insisted they were too boooored and only wanted to watch videos on youtube. I said sure but I got to pick the videos. They only made it through half of the Stacey Q music vid before they wandered off to do some crafts.

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The children are playing 'Crybaby' and the boy child is giving girl child a bad girl makeover. And then crying about it.

I have been assigned the role of Hatchet Face.

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From a roller derby friend: "Dear Malady, your daughter will be an awesome derby girl. She already leaves wicked bruises."

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Had boy child's hearing tested today. Turns out he is just ignoring me.
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Turns out not only am a good shot with an elastic band but I also have found an effective way to break up fighting children without getting up off the couch. 

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I had a lapse of good parenting judgement last night and let the kids watch 'Dude, Where's My Car?'

Now the kids are in the backyard playing hot chicks vs. stoners. My girl child wants to be a breakdancing stripper when she grows up and the boy wants to know if he can have a llama. Makes me feel great remorse for what I put my mother through during the Bill and Ted's years.

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Qotd from Lexi  [derby friend]:

"But your kids are pretty awesome minus vomit and snot and poop" 

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The boy child ust smashed out a part of my eyboard 

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This morning on during my workout (aka - walking the kids to school through snow drifts higher than they are) I stopped to push out a lady's car who was stuck on a side street. I pushed and she gunned it and together we got her out of the drift. Afterwards, my three year old son, with great admiration, looked at me and said, 'How did you do that?!' I deadpanned back to him, 'I work out.'

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The boy child was leading red light green light today. His instructions, in order, were:

Red light!
Spaghetti!
Blue!
Yellow!
Green!

His sister won. She's only one who knows how to move when the light is blue.

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Boy child just came back from his playdate with a child whose family recently immigrated from Dominican Republic and he smells like overpoweringly like fried bread. I don't know whether to shower him or eat him. 

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The boy child explaining his veganism to the neighbor boy: "That means I don't eat cats or dogs or cows or chickens or T-Rexs." 

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The girl child watching vintage scooby doo: 'Hey, Shaggy is roller skating without a helmet?! No wonder he's so dumb, he doesn't protect his noggin! He's going fast too. I wonder what kind of wheels he has?' 
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