5.10.2010

my report card

For Mother's Day, the kids gave me what I love.

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It's an interesting funhouse mirror experience, having the children detail out my passions and amusements. As much as I struggle to remain aware and present when I am with my children, they are always, effortlessly, paying attention to me.

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While my children are just at the start of their lives, living in sticky, slow treacle time, this stage of my life is all about fitting two days worth of living into every one.  I have lists, priorities, jobs, errands, responsibilities, aspirations.  My speed is hyper.  Frequently I forget small things and occasionally something big.  My vision often seems tunneled, where I can only see a tiny fraction of the view.  You see, if I am not looking directly at the stack of dirty dishes, the laundry pile, the to-do list, it doesn't exist.  I can deal with it later.  It's part survival technique, part defiance.

Sometimes I don't look directly at my children.  My mind is on auto-pilot and I coast through reading the book or chatting about killer whales.  Um-hm.  Um-hm.  Um-hm.  Yes, sweetie.

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But, they are not distracted.  They are always watching me.

I've got one kid who has always been fairly observant, but is now of an age to notice that my way is not the only way.  There is a whole wide world out there, good and bad, that mom is not the ruler of.  I am fodder for her comparisons and judgments.  Other moms have longer hair, other moms are thinner, other moms take their kids swimming more often, other moms give their kids juice, other moms belly dance.  It's not all bad, Smootch is actually an exquisitely empathetic child, but my selective memory seems to allow the harsher critiques to mentally resurface at my more insecure times.  While she is always watching what I do, she doesn't always like it.

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I suppose I should be thankful that the actual three dimensional representation of what Mom Pays Attention To was relatively benign.  Of all the things they could of called me on, they chose to show what it is they see me do with my time and the things I hold dear.    

I'm so glad they knew to put themselves in the picture.

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10 comments:

  1. Your kids are right, YOU ROCK!

    love, Sam

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  2. I love how real you post is. You're doing great, they love you... it's all good.

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  3. Oh man...this is absolutely amazing. Thanks for the realness and seriously...you do ROCK! I am always inspired by what you are doing to encourage their creativity...what a gift of a Mother they have....seriously.

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  4. I'm just floored that they MADE that. I don't think I could, even with adult supervision! What an amazing gift!

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  5. I've noticed Moms beat themselves up a lot. How awesome that we care so much and want to be perfect. But it comes to a point that we need to give ourselves credit for doing the best we can. I find myself not being in the moment at times too. My 3 1/2 yr old is a great mirror... even if its an ugly reflection staring back at me. You obviously are a rockin mom!
    Niki H

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  6. That is a fantastic labor of love!

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  7. Oh I so relate to what you say. You have put it so succinctly. All I know is that even though all the above is true of me as well, my kids love me so completely and unconditionally that it blows me away. Your children have done such a fantastic job on your "world". What little talents!

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  8. I catch myself nearly every day, saying "uh huh, uh huh" as I'm trying to do dishes, brush my teeth, etc.. We all do it.
    You are real, we can't all be perfect, we can't pay attention to every word.

    What matters is that we are there for our kids, we do listen most of the time, and we love them.

    We try so hard to be good mothers that we feel guilty at the slightest things. Your kids obviously love you and think you are doing great, so I'd say great job!

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  9. you SO rock!! I am always amazed and amused that the only mothers who think to question their mothering are those others look to for guidance and inspiration. You are raising free-thinking, creative, happy, (if all the pictures on here reflect reality :-) ) talented, BRILLIANT children and i for one am ever so proud to have you be --even in the tiniest way-- a part of my circle. Thank you for caring so much about what you put out in the world, and for sharing your thoughts and fears with those of us who share them!!

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  10. by the way--where is the sewing machine??? <3 you all

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