4.20.2010

growing. still.


A few days ago, my husband and I in a reminiscent mood, were marveling at the people we were 10 years ago. We were people who smoked cigarettes, went to bars, and decorated with posters. We believed the louder music was played the better it was. We slept in (sometimes until lunch!) Young, filled with time, energy, and pocket change. Looking at my life now, I can not believe this was once me.

We changed the way most of us do. With love and death, birth, mortgage, graduation, a lay off, a lack of daycare, learning of new skills, new friends, more birth, more death, another job, a move. So much happens in a mere ten years.

I like to play a little game where I pretend I am myself 10 years ago and suddenly drop myself into future scenes I will one day live. I take the young person that I was, who swore she would never have children, and let her briefly experience the state of bliss that is breast feeding. Or, the brash, loudmouth who thought she was invincible and flash her over to the time when she will be giving birth. Or the person who thought her fears were as bad as they could get and let her hand her 12 week old baby over to a surgical nurse, who will help to literally take her heart out of her tiny body. Or the sloth like creature who partied all night and slept until noon, and toss her out into the middle of a roller derby scrimmage, surrounded on all sides by crazy women who are trying to knock her over.

I could of never imagined such things, ten years ago. And, yet, I've done them all since.


The point of the game is to remind myself that just that when I think This is the way it is, it isn't. I have no idea where I am going. Plans so well laid, declarations made, even promises, have a way of becoming undone eventually. Interests change. I once thought that Rocky Horror Picture Show was the best entertainment on earth. Neon was the bomb. We stretch our boundaries. I thought that there is no way I was ever going to sew. I thought I was done with roller skates when I was ten years old. Ha.


The theme out in blog world right now is quitting the blog. Or, if not a full stop, some sort of major hiatus. Maybe it's not the actual theme, but we pay attention to what addresses our thoughts, yes? Seems everyone is thinking about moving on.

Blogs are, after all, projects. A blog that began as a chronicle for a journey or developed around a particular interest, such as this one, will have a natural lifespan. When the person who writes changes, the journey ends, her other interests swelling to displace the blogging time, or the circumstances of her life change (babies, anyone?), the blog becomes obsolete. This is as it should be.

It's tough to know when the end really is, though, or if this is a momentary rest or set back along the path. My instinct, when things seem overwhelming or I get bored, is to scrap the whole thing and start anew. New template, new focus, new life. I can thank (blame) The Man for his encouragement to stay with the path through the rough patches. He can be quite persuasive, convincing me to stick to it, even though my whole being is saying, 'Quit! Downsize! Enough already!'

The Man says, metamorphosis is better than death. I think, perhaps I should listen to sometimes.

Whether temporary hurdle or the beginning of the end, I will wait and see what the future holds. For once, no drastic actions, no grand declarations. I am looking for a little calm to the storm that is all the different directions a life can take. A little breathing room for my present self, who is who is tired of trying to wrestle little bits of time to do something that is increasingly a burden and whose thoughts is are turned towards new challenges.


So, I play my little 'freak out my past self with my future self's life' game to soothe the part of me that fears change. Heads up, me, Change is Coming. And it's not all bad.

16 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post. You absolutely have to do what feels right, and there is no need to make grand statements or rash decisions, but know that you will be missed, even if it is only a pause. x

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  2. Thank you - that was lovely!

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  3. thank you for sharing... and creativity is not exclusive of sewing... making clothes. your creative process... what you do with smootch and birdie is always inspiring :)
    and... are you telling us you are expecting? it just sounded like it--- if so, take a rest! your inspiration will be back soon ---

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  4. Ahhhh, this reminds me of the good ol' days of online journaling before they were blogs./ back when people wrote beautiful posts like this, just as an expression of emotion. well done, my friend. :)

    And? Write for you, don't let the blog define your writing. That's why others have quit, they bought into their own press.

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  5. We all change. I love what y ou have to say about this. I have found that instead of my "sewing" blog ending, it is just changing, as you have. It's more of a scrapbooking blog now, and I have come to realize that this is okay. My interests may change, but I don't think my creativity will ever go away. We as women have an inherit need to create. You will keep creating beauty in the things and people around you. The question is: Will you keep telling us about it?

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  6. Thank God for change, every day is a new day & new opportunity!

    Reflection is good for the soul! Hope something grand is afoot!

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  7. I love reading your blog. You are always so honest and upfront about everything. I often come here to read it and you are going through the very same thing as I am! My kids are similar in age to yours.
    Whatever you decide to do, I just wanted to let you know that you have inspired so many people with what you have done already. Take care.

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  8. What a beautiful post! I have changed so much too, I totally get all your points!! I hope you're not thinking about quitting! Your blog is the first one that I ever read and got hooked to. My mom emailed me your post about sleevie pants and I have been addicted ever since. I now subscribe to like 100 blogs I think, the big popular ones, and some tiny ones, and yours is still my favorite. You're just so REAL and so much like me, and I just love it. Thank you so much for this gorgeous post and for sticking to your guns and being you, even after all your changes! <3

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  9. Hope you find what your soul is looking for. You have had quite the decade. While I don't believe that the journey ends till we end, I do think that sometimes the path isn't clear or we need to change course.
    I am new to your blog, but look forward to reading back and finding inspiration in your past posts.

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  10. As every one before me has said, what a beautiful post. I understand the taking a break thing but do know that you will be missed and I very much hope this isn't a perman. thing. You were one of the first blogs I started reading. I found you when I was googling sewing tutorials. I made my gramma a scoodie out of dallas cowboys fleece! she loves it.
    I hope all is well.

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  11. You all are incredibly kind. Thank you.

    I am not pregnant. Thank me.

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  12. I have come to feel that 10 years is such a long time but also the blink of an eye. My eldest was six ten years ago and I was the single mother of two children. NOw I am mother to four children and wife to a man who I never believed I would ever meet.

    Ten years hence is unimaginable to me so I just keep plodding on, 'turning up' as one friend puts it. I keep looking upward and forward; not back and down.

    Courage and peace to you.

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  13. i love your blog--your sewing, your writing, your sense of adventure. thanks for posting.

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  14. you rock and i adore how candid and open you are.

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  15. I have just found your blog when searching for a puffed sleeve pattern. I then began looking around and came across this post. It was really touching. Well done. I've made you a favourite now, and I'll be checking in for inspiration from Australia. Thanks.

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