growing. still.

A few days ago, my husband and I in a reminiscent mood, were marveling at the people we were 10 years ago. We were people who smoked cigarettes, went to bars, and decorated with posters. We believed the louder music was played the better it was. We slept in (sometimes until lunch!) Young, filled with time, energy, and pocket change. Looking at my life now, I can not believe this was once me.

We changed the way most of us do. With love and death, birth, mortgage, graduation, a lay off, a lack of daycare, learning of new skills, new friends, more birth, more death, another job, a move. So much happens in a mere ten years.

I like to play a little game where I pretend I am myself 10 years ago and suddenly drop myself into future scenes I will one day live. I take the young person that I was, who swore she would never have children, and let her briefly experience the state of bliss that is breast feeding. Or, the brash, loudmouth who thought she was invincible and flash her over to the time when she will be giving birth. Or the person who thought her fears were as bad as they could get and let her hand her 12 week old baby over to a surgical nurse, who will help to literally take her heart out of her tiny body. Or the sloth like creature who partied all night and slept until noon, and toss her out into the middle of a roller derby scrimmage, surrounded on all sides by crazy women who are trying to knock her over.

I could of never imagined such things, ten years ago. And, yet, I've done them all since.


The point of the game is to remind myself that just that when I think This is the way it is, it isn't. I have no idea where I am going. Plans so well laid, declarations made, even promises, have a way of becoming undone eventually. Interests change. I once thought that Rocky Horror Picture Show was the best entertainment on earth. Neon was the bomb. We stretch our boundaries. I thought that there is no way I was ever going to sew. I thought I was done with roller skates when I was ten years old. Ha.


The theme out in blog world right now is quitting the blog. Or, if not a full stop, some sort of major hiatus. Maybe it's not the actual theme, but we pay attention to what addresses our thoughts, yes? Seems everyone is thinking about moving on.

Blogs are, after all, projects. A blog that began as a chronicle for a journey or developed around a particular interest, such as this one, will have a natural lifespan. When the person who writes changes, the journey ends, her other interests swelling to displace the blogging time, or the circumstances of her life change (babies, anyone?), the blog becomes obsolete. This is as it should be.

It's tough to know when the end really is, though, or if this is a momentary rest or set back along the path. My instinct, when things seem overwhelming or I get bored, is to scrap the whole thing and start anew. New template, new focus, new life. I can thank (blame) The Man for his encouragement to stay with the path through the rough patches. He can be quite persuasive, convincing me to stick to it, even though my whole being is saying, 'Quit! Downsize! Enough already!'

The Man says, metamorphosis is better than death. I think, perhaps I should listen to sometimes.

Whether temporary hurdle or the beginning of the end, I will wait and see what the future holds. For once, no drastic actions, no grand declarations. I am looking for a little calm to the storm that is all the different directions a life can take. A little breathing room for my present self, who is who is tired of trying to wrestle little bits of time to do something that is increasingly a burden and whose thoughts is are turned towards new challenges.

So, I play my little 'freak out my past self with my future self's life' game to soothe the part of me that fears change. Heads up, me, Change is Coming. And it's not all bad.